TW: Self harm, abusive
this a vent I did last night (i barely slept since i drank a mountain dew)
i've been kinda having problems with my dad. no, i haven't been fighting with him, no no, the problem is that i'm afraid to turn out like him.
right now i'm almost nothing like him negatively, other than our anger problems, but there's always a part of me that can't see past that... I'm a super nice and forgiving person (at least that's what my friends say), but I feel like my dad whenever I get mad and... I'm trying everything to not be like him...
Some of my story:
My dad has always been abusive, even before i was born. I am his only child, my sister and brother are from a different man. My dad used to hang my siblings up by a rusty nail on the wall when they were younger. He's an imitating guy, he's large and when he walks into a room, the mood darkens, so you might imagine why my siblings never told my mom (my mom's a good person, don't worry). Back in... I'd say 2007 or so , my dad had lost his job, now, this would've been fine because we had life saving, but... He had spent all on some fucking porn. I'm not sure about too much since I was very young, but I do remember my father abusing my brother for so long, it once got so bad, that I had went to school and told my teacher. I was in first grade. We made books, and there was a page that was titled "I wish" or something like that ( McDavey
knows what I'm talking about) and it said "Wish for your family" and me, a 1st grader, wrote "that my dad and brother would stop fight" and drew a little picture of my dad and brother with devil horns and my sister, mum, and me on the other side scared and shaking. There's many other things and I might talk about that in another pic. Not too long ago, my brother snapped on my brother right before I was going to pick up my boyfriend. I came down SHAKING. I've dealt with this for so long that I've gained a PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) for yelling. I'm not one to get scared, but that shit scares the hell out of me. I felt uneasy for the rest of the day. My brother and mum rant about my dad a lot with me. We're usually in the kitchen, my mum sitting down at the table, brother standing up, and I'm on the counter. Every time, I'm almost silent. I grip my arms and hang my head a lot. All the has cause so much fucking stress on me and it made me break and cut myself again (dont worry only... 34 new cuts... haaaa).
Thanks for anyone who actually read all of that shit. I honestly appreciated it. I have a super long story and some of my friends dont even know.
i wanna thank some of my friends for always being there for memcdavey13
i love you so much, you don't realize how much i enjoy your presence and how proud i am to be your girlfriend. I would give anything up to be with you everydayo0FluffPuff0o
I hope everything gets better for you. I really hope you find that perfect someone. Always remember that there's someone looking out for outMoPeeps
one day i swear to the love of god, i will murder the next person who tries to even touch you. I really hope your anxiety gets better, even of you have to take pills